Memorial Day Weekend - A Weekend in Pictures

It took me a few days to get around to it but this past weekend was wonderful!  Steve and I had a ton of time together, we knocked out a bunch of projects, did a fun photo shoot, went to a dirt bike race and we ended the weekend celebrating with some people who are dear to us!  Enjoy!

Our pretty flowers we planted

yes, we painted the front doors yellow!!!

The outside of the house.

Our new couch we bought!

On our way to do a photo shoot

My brother getting ready to race!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and regular posts will resume shortly!

Be Blessed!

Just Whistle While You Work... A Little Adoption Talk

I first wrote "whistle while you wait" in the title then realized it was not what they sang in "Snow White" at all... OH tangent.. anyone watch "Once"?  Do you like it?

I have something to talk about today that I normally skim over or leave out entirely.  I want to talk about public response to the fact that we are adopting, waiting, childless, barren, infertile, nuts.. man the list goes on and on of things people feel like responding to.

We have been working towards starting a family for 4 years now.  It has had every step from the old fashioned way ;), to doctors, to adoption.  We have met a lot of people along the way and more and more people have become aware of our story as we 've journeyed into the world of adoption.

Now most people are awesome!  They let us know they're praying for us, remind us we're not alone, surprise us with HUGE things that God tells them to do, or just expresses an interest in what we're doing. Sadly though there is another side to this coin that is all together more painful and hurtful... the women who see our situation as something they can fix.

Over the last year I have had countless conversations with women who are practically strangers.  I know, I know this isn't that strange given that we sing in front of a lot of people we don't know on a weekly basis.  I LOVE talking to people I don't know, getting to hear their stories and help when I can.  PLEASE hear that.

What I don't love is when someone I don't know decides they have the answer for Steve and I and that answer is for them to have a baby for us and give it to us, be a surrogate for us, or a whole slew of other scenarios we've been approached with and about.

I have had some go as far as to call me, tell me they are pregnant and would like us to adopt the baby only to find out they were NEVER pregnant to begin with and knew they weren't pregnant.  I'm sorry but that was cruel and so painful to go through time and time again.

I have had a LOT of women talk to me about being a surrogate for me.  I know they mean well and they don't mean to be cruel but it is so painful to have that conversation time and again.  I'm going to try and explain why.

I cannot get pregnant.  Unless God performs a miracle and changes the physical makeup of my body I will never be pregnant. I am ok with this.  I have worked through it and come to a place where I can even appreciate that my hips will relatively stay where they are right now (hopefully).

I  LOVE adoption.  I love everything about what it stands for, means to Steve and I and what it has taught us about ourselves along the way.  I have never been shy about why we want to adopt, why we love it and that we are EXCITED that we get to do this.

When I have a well meaning woman stranger tell me they would like to have a baby for us it sends a message to both Steve and I that 1. They don't understand why we're doing this and 2. That somehow they see the fact that I can't get pregnant as a problem they can fix instead of a gift God has given me.

At first this wasn't a big deal, we could shrug it off and move on.  But when we hear that message over and over and over it gets painful.  I know most people just desperately want to see our family begin  and that means so much.  But, as with anyone who has been waiting for something a long time or going through something you don't understand less is always more.

I'm not looking for anyone to "fix" my infertility.  I love my infertility.  I'm not looking for anyone to carry a baby for us.  Honestly, we've never considered surrogacy and never will... unless in the words of Steve "God came down, sat right next to me, pointed out a woman and said she was to carry our baby".  Surrogacy just isn't something we want to even consider.  We see too many kids in the world who need homes to worry about if ours will have our chin or eyes or whatever.

Please hear me that this is just us thinking this and we don't expect or put this on anyone else!  I see it along the same lines as fertility treatments.  We felt God telling us to move away from that because he had something different but I would never tell anyone else fertility treatments were wrong for them... it just  wasn't what WE were supposed to do anymore. So if you have used a surrogate or feel like you are supposed to more power to you!  We just don't feel that for US.

So to sum it up, there are a lot of opinions about what we should  or should not be doing.  We love all the support and appreciate the interest people have taken in our story.  We love questions and don't shy away from the hard ones.  We simply ask that you trust that we are seeking God about any and every decision we make and support that.

Be Blessed!

Weekend Fun!

This past weekend was a fun one.. well mostly fun and that is what I'm going to focus on today :).

Friday Steve and I headed to my friend Mya's house to celebrate her sassy now 8 year old's birthday!  It was a lot of fun and a HUGE eye opener for Steve and I (Steve was the only man there btw... I LOVE that he's totally cool with going to 8 year old girl birthday parties!).  We don't make it out to many kids parties these days simply because we don't have kids so we just don't go.  BUT Mya's kids are the one exception to that rule for us.  We love them like they're family.

 It was hilarious sitting there eating my pizza, chatting with moms and Steve and suddenly I began to notice that every 3 to 5 minutes there would either be at least one girl in tears or a fight about to break out due to some game, toy or just the sheer amount of tiny estrogen from this party.  Steve and I just sat in the corner during presents with our eyes wide.  We loved every moment of it but it was definitely a learning moment for us... if we ever have children and if we ever have girls I think I shall be terrified :).

Saturday we slept in, Steve surprised me with breakfast and we took our time.  We played at a coffee house last night and it was the first time we'd done something like that outside of church.  Most of what we do is worship music so it was fun and surprising to see it translate pretty well into a coffee house setting.  We had so much fun and it meant a lot that so many of our family and friends came out!  Steve and I never put any expectations on our music, we've learned it has to be about God or it's a waste of our time.  We don't know where it will go but we also know that we will play when we can and where we can and just be grateful that He allows us to continue doing it!  Here are some pictures and videos from last night.  They are all from iphone's for forgive the graininess.  If you look real closely in some of the videos it looks like the cutout lady behind me is dancing :)

This is right before I put my foot in my mouth and got sassy...

Be Blessed!

Claiming His Blood

I can remember a stage of my life where image was everything, people's perceptions of me was everything.  I was willing to sacrifice who I was for an illusion of having it together and being a "godly woman".  In truth I was a fraud, broken, lonely and so far from knowing who I was in Jesus.

I remember when that illusion began to crumble.  Still, even in the face of tragedy it still took a full year for my little kingdom to truly fall to pieces.

5 years ago Steve and I were in the middle of fertility treatments.  Shots, pills, hormones and mood swings were words I used in my every day life.  Steve dealt with my downright craziness by laying low, and while we both look back and agree this wasn't how things should have gone, I can't really blame him either :).

One Sunday, in the midst of all the meds and craziness from me, we had a positive pregnancy test.  I will never forget that day for as long as I live.  Steve was at church and I was home because I felt sick.  I took the test and then couldn't get a hold of him for hours.  When he got home I told him and the look of absolute shock was priceless!

We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone right away because anything could happen... that lasted all of 12 hours and then we just shared with anyone we met... wish I could say we'd do that differently now but honestly we would do that all over again.

The weeks went on and I felt awful... just like they said I would.  I was so excited even though there was this one small doubt in the back of my head... that "what if".

At 6 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound.  I was SO excited.  I was finally one of THEM.  Those blessed women that God saw fit to give a baby.  We nervously waited in the waiting room and then it was time!

We headed back and as they did the ultrasound things suddenly began to unravel.  The doctor who was doing my ultrasound simply stated there was no heartbeat and maybe we had the dates off.  They told us to to come back the following week and we would see where we were.

SILENCE

As soon as we left there it was all I could do to keep it together but somehow I faked it... I'm really good at that in the midst of a crisis.  We somehow got through the weekend. I was in a wedding and it was such an emotional weekend wondering if I was or was not pregnant any more.

Monday morning we headed back to Norfolk and once again sat in that chair.  The same doctor did the ultra sound and I will never forget her words... "there is no heartbeat. this is not a good pregnancy"and then she left.

My broken heart didn't know what to do with that information.  We quickly made our way back to the car, let family know what was going on and then just sat in silence.  I had been told that because I was only 7 weeks along at that point that my body should naturally miscarry.  After a week it became evident that wasn't going to happen.

They gave me medicine to induce a miscarriage and it just so happened that the final pill I took coincided with a Sunday I was scheduled to sing in Genesis.  This brings me back to my first sentence on this post.  Image was everything at that point in my life.  I look back at that 24 year old girl singing on stage, smiling at everyone she saw.  I want to hug her as I remember her sitting in a bathroom stall quietly sobbing so no one would be aware of what was happening that very minute.  I miscarried my baby in a stall at church because I wasn't willing to let anyone know how much pain I was in.

I'm in tears thinking about that time.. shortly after that our marriage took the biggest hit it had ever taken, my dad was in and out of hospitals, my life unraveled quickly!  At the end of that year I was shaken, broken and just didn't know up from down.  And that is when God started to build me back up.. piece by piece.

I don't consider myself a person of strong faith, but I do consider myself a child of God, loved by Jesus and redeemed by his blood and because of this every time I throw a fit, loose myself in my sorrow or turn my back I know that he is still there.  Even though I was so consumed with how everyone else saw me, he saw that little girl sobbing in the bathroom and he was the one wiping the tears.

I write all of this to say that God has taken that broken mess and redeemed it to someone who understands that it is better to be imperfect and claim the blood of Christ than to fake being someone who has it all together... because come on.. THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

So this year makes the 4th year of Steve and I's pledge to be open, honest and real.  Real doesn't always mean pretty and so there are days when this blog is whiny, repetitive and boring... or I just spare you blogging that day :)

Be Blessed!

Stories Are in the Details

We were driving  down the road one Sunday night.  We were headed back to church, like we normally do on a Sunday.  A conversation began.  "I'm so frustrated and feel angry with God.  I don't know what he is doing, are we even supposed to adopt?"  The conversation continued.  We were tired, we were worn out, we were questioning.

We got to church and Steve headed off to do his thing.  That night was a  night of worship.  The entire church was coming together and Steve was helping with the music.  Since I wasn't a part of the music I had some time so I headed off to shop at TJ Maxx!

I came back into the sanctuary a few hours later and began to look for a seat.  I chatted with people as I went but stopped to hug our old community group leaders and talk for a few minutes.  When asked how I was handling everything I politely lied and said things were great, we were trusting God and just waiting. My insides were screaming a different story though.

We talked for a few more minutes and then I headed off to find my seat.  I was fully intending to sit by myself and cry through the night if needed, or sit in stoney silence.  I didn't know what to expect from my emotional roller coaster of a self.  Suddenly I heard my name squealed at a frequency that can only come from my friends adorable 5 year old when she sees someone she loves.  I look up and there my friend is with her two daughters... and I rejoiced a little that I wouldn't be alone that night.

The music began and the guest Worship Leader did an amazing job of engaging and getting everyone to focus on what was important, Jesus.  As the night went on my heart cried out more and more to the Jesus that I love.  I worshiped and it was a time of release... but I didn't realize what was about to happen.

It was as if God tapped me on the shoulder and said "Listen up Katie, I've got something specific for you".  Seconds later the worship leader asks if he can tell us a story.  He then proceeds to tell us the story of how he and his wife had struggled with infertility for years and how God miraculously led them to adoption.  You can read their story here if you are interested.  Steve was sitting on the stage and I was in the crowd but we both looked at each other and wept the entire time he talked.  He was speaking words that were a balm to our souls.  He reminded us that God truly is faithful, that He has a plan and that plan is perfect.  He reminded me that we have a hope and that we wait in hope.

As they played a few final songs I felt God telling me to come to the altar and just rest in his presence.  I resisted because well.. I didn't want people starring at me.  Finally I couldn't take it any more though and I went and just sat.  Suddenly I felt a hand take mine and that sweet woman who had asked me how things were going earlier was sitting in silence with me.  I can only try to explain how much this meant.  Being in the leadership role I am in at church a lot of times people don't minister to me, rather I minister to them. I am comfortable with that but sometimes you really just need to know you're not alone and that someone cares.  That meant so much to me that she stepped out and came to "stand" with me so I wouldn't be alone.

We left that night energized and encouraged.  We left reassured that God loves us and not only does he love us but he orchestrated things so that the very day I began to admit my frustrations was the day he answered in such a blatant way.  Our God is so faithful!

There is more to this story, so much more but until we know the direction it is headed we can't confidently share.  Just know that we weren't the only ones God spoke to that night and as the details continue to unfold his faithfulness takes on a whole new meaning.

Be Blessed!