Days Like This...
I feel like a maid today. I'm so tired of the rolled eyes, snappy comebacks, endless snarky remarks and silent battles that have made up today. I love my little family, unique traits and all. I love seeing healing begin, truth setting in, hope springing to life and real change peeking it's head out of dark corners... but today.. today has been hard.
It has been nearly a month since I've written. Well, it's been nearly a month since I've written anything down. I've written posts over and over but never had a moment to sit and get them out. I know this is just a season and as things go I'll get the hang of it more but man is this HARD. Let me explain...
My youngest daughter is 16.. well she's my only daughter right now. I am 29 and currently a grandmother. This is a CRAZY concept for me. My granddaughter is the age you would expect my children to be.. so you can betcha that that plays with my head off and on.
A, my 16 year old, wants to be a mother.. but she has no idea what that means. She also wants to be a kid.. but she has no idea what that means. There is this constant battle raging inside of her. Since I am the mother figure in this home she both looks to me for guidance and deeply resents me for playing that role. The resentment is fear and I get that but there are days like today where I just want a happy day.. just one!
I remember being a teenager (it wasn't very long ago) and that battle in me. I wanted to be an adult but I also desperately wanted to be a kid. I remember that war , a constant tug of war with my mom (sorry mom).
I've had so many moments over that last few weeks that were "aha moments". Times when I will be driving down the road and suddenly I'll think... man, I did this to my mom or ... I'm so sorry mom I was a punk. I have not said that to her in person but I will mom, I will!
The last 3 1/2 weeks have been spent crazily navigating the angry waters that are a teenager. The difference is mine comes with a lot of baggage that I didn't create but I AM responsible for teaching her how to deal with it in a healthy way... and that has me shaking in my boots some days.
When it's all said and done though I love my girl with all my heart. I cannot imagine life without her bubbly, moody, spirited, crazy self. She has swooped in and totally captured our hearts and we are fully aware of the responsibility that has been placed on our shoulders. We have been given the honor of helping break a family cycle... and nothing pisses the devil off more that redeemed lives free from bondage.
I can tell you that this is the hardest, most challenging, gut wrenching and soul stretching thing I have ever done... but it is even more redeeming, purifying, humbling, breaking me low so I see my need... I would have it no other way... although sometimes my flesh cries out something different.
I will love this girl with all my heart.. even if she rips my heart to shreds. I will pray and pour into her... even if she laughs in my face. I will serve her over and over again... even if she chooses to see me as less that her.
I have been brought low and humbled but all it's done is remind me that I am powerless without the cross. I am worthless when I depend on my own flesh. I am a mess that can barely keep it together when "together" is my plan. BUT when I take that powerless, worthless, wretch of a person and put it back in his hands again and again He lifts me up, sends people to my side, reminds me that I'm not alone and gives me glimpses of the change that is happening... even when I can't see it for all the pain we are wading through.
Loving the orphan is impossibly hard... but as his child I am called to nothing less.
It has been nearly a month since I've written. Well, it's been nearly a month since I've written anything down. I've written posts over and over but never had a moment to sit and get them out. I know this is just a season and as things go I'll get the hang of it more but man is this HARD. Let me explain...
My youngest daughter is 16.. well she's my only daughter right now. I am 29 and currently a grandmother. This is a CRAZY concept for me. My granddaughter is the age you would expect my children to be.. so you can betcha that that plays with my head off and on.
A, my 16 year old, wants to be a mother.. but she has no idea what that means. She also wants to be a kid.. but she has no idea what that means. There is this constant battle raging inside of her. Since I am the mother figure in this home she both looks to me for guidance and deeply resents me for playing that role. The resentment is fear and I get that but there are days like today where I just want a happy day.. just one!
I remember being a teenager (it wasn't very long ago) and that battle in me. I wanted to be an adult but I also desperately wanted to be a kid. I remember that war , a constant tug of war with my mom (sorry mom).
I've had so many moments over that last few weeks that were "aha moments". Times when I will be driving down the road and suddenly I'll think... man, I did this to my mom or ... I'm so sorry mom I was a punk. I have not said that to her in person but I will mom, I will!
The last 3 1/2 weeks have been spent crazily navigating the angry waters that are a teenager. The difference is mine comes with a lot of baggage that I didn't create but I AM responsible for teaching her how to deal with it in a healthy way... and that has me shaking in my boots some days.
When it's all said and done though I love my girl with all my heart. I cannot imagine life without her bubbly, moody, spirited, crazy self. She has swooped in and totally captured our hearts and we are fully aware of the responsibility that has been placed on our shoulders. We have been given the honor of helping break a family cycle... and nothing pisses the devil off more that redeemed lives free from bondage.
I can tell you that this is the hardest, most challenging, gut wrenching and soul stretching thing I have ever done... but it is even more redeeming, purifying, humbling, breaking me low so I see my need... I would have it no other way... although sometimes my flesh cries out something different.
I will love this girl with all my heart.. even if she rips my heart to shreds. I will pray and pour into her... even if she laughs in my face. I will serve her over and over again... even if she chooses to see me as less that her.
I have been brought low and humbled but all it's done is remind me that I am powerless without the cross. I am worthless when I depend on my own flesh. I am a mess that can barely keep it together when "together" is my plan. BUT when I take that powerless, worthless, wretch of a person and put it back in his hands again and again He lifts me up, sends people to my side, reminds me that I'm not alone and gives me glimpses of the change that is happening... even when I can't see it for all the pain we are wading through.
Loving the orphan is impossibly hard... but as his child I am called to nothing less.
Comments