so we wait.
The truth of the matter is I don't want to be an example, inspire anyone or be commended for how well we've done... I just want to be a mom, love my kids, support my sexy, sexy husband and make some music as we go... that's it.
Somehow that hasn't been it though. Instead I feel like I fall from one heart breaking catastrophe to the next. It doesn't get easier.. we just learn to move through it better. My heart is so heavy and feels so defeated today.
I'm gonna just be honest here and whether it's too much or not it is what it is. I'm scared. We're in this awful place where we've been accused of something that isn't true by a woman who is a royal mess. We have been treated like we're criminals and that breaks my heart... the only thing we're guilty of is loving on those kids with all our heart and teaching them from our life experiences. I do not think we will continue with foster care after all of this... but honestly it's way to early to make that decision.
What I do know is it's one of the hardest times of year for us and things are getting hard again, money is extremely tight and once again I've hugged my littles and watched them drive off with the knowledge that it was the last time... I'm so tired.
I'm sorry if this is too honest today but I just don't have it in me to spin it. My house is a wreck because that's what I do when something this painful happens... I charge into 15 different projects and then 2 days in the grief takes over and I have to put it on hold while I heal... so I'm healing in a heap of laundry, and half painted rooms and it's just a little crazy...
At the same time we've now started pelting the heavens with questions or "what now?!?!?!? Didn't you lead us here God?? Is it all over now?? We've spent everything we saved to become foster parents so we just really don't see where we can go from here..... the money's run out.
so we wait.
You'd think we'd be pretty good at it by now but I can tell you from years and years of experience now that waiting doesn't get any easier. I'm quicker to take things to Him but it isn't any easier to wait on the response.
If you read this and think I've gone off the deep end or I'm in a hopeless place... just know my faith is still strong and I know that there's a plan.. I just can't see it through all the clouds, rain, storms and pain right now.
so we wait, and we are searching for that hope again... it'll come but today is a sad day.
Somehow that hasn't been it though. Instead I feel like I fall from one heart breaking catastrophe to the next. It doesn't get easier.. we just learn to move through it better. My heart is so heavy and feels so defeated today.
I'm gonna just be honest here and whether it's too much or not it is what it is. I'm scared. We're in this awful place where we've been accused of something that isn't true by a woman who is a royal mess. We have been treated like we're criminals and that breaks my heart... the only thing we're guilty of is loving on those kids with all our heart and teaching them from our life experiences. I do not think we will continue with foster care after all of this... but honestly it's way to early to make that decision.
What I do know is it's one of the hardest times of year for us and things are getting hard again, money is extremely tight and once again I've hugged my littles and watched them drive off with the knowledge that it was the last time... I'm so tired.
I'm sorry if this is too honest today but I just don't have it in me to spin it. My house is a wreck because that's what I do when something this painful happens... I charge into 15 different projects and then 2 days in the grief takes over and I have to put it on hold while I heal... so I'm healing in a heap of laundry, and half painted rooms and it's just a little crazy...
At the same time we've now started pelting the heavens with questions or "what now?!?!?!? Didn't you lead us here God?? Is it all over now?? We've spent everything we saved to become foster parents so we just really don't see where we can go from here..... the money's run out.
so we wait.
You'd think we'd be pretty good at it by now but I can tell you from years and years of experience now that waiting doesn't get any easier. I'm quicker to take things to Him but it isn't any easier to wait on the response.
If you read this and think I've gone off the deep end or I'm in a hopeless place... just know my faith is still strong and I know that there's a plan.. I just can't see it through all the clouds, rain, storms and pain right now.
so we wait, and we are searching for that hope again... it'll come but today is a sad day.
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