A Calling to Be Ready
I don't write very often these days. I figure it's pretty boring to hear "hi, we're still waiting" over and over again.
It's an odd thing waiting... we all do it, we all hate it and none of us can make what we're waiting for happen any faster... and yet we try.
Take me for example.. I've scoured every adoption site imaginable, found child after child that I want to adopt, prayed, begged, pleaded and waited in a fake state of "calm"... I've tried to convince God we're ready, convince Steve to apply for every child imaginable and tried to force God's hand at every turn.. to no avail.
Yesterday we heard that the child we'd been praying for was coming home on Friday. We did our crazy happy dance and then the panic and frenzy prep. set in. We began dreaming about her and doing all the things any expectant parent does.. the "what if's" and the "maybe one days".
Today we got the call that it was all over. I wish I could say this was the first time we'd experienced this or will be the last but it probably isn't. For silly reasons that I'm not going to share here this child will not be ours... at least not at the moment.
I sat and let myself cry for a bit and once again let go of the dreams we had for another little one. I sent out the mass texts and facebook notifications so I wouldn't have to field congratulations messages later.. and then I just let myself get quiet.
After awhile I felt it... that peace that passes understanding. That warm embrace from my God who loves me dearly, loves these children more than I could ever imagine and is preparing us to be the parents of specific ones.
I feel peaceful friends. I am still sad and a little weepy but I'm at peace. I'm more aware each day of the corruption, dysfunction and breakdown of communication our state has with it's social systems. I'm more aware each day of the changes that are needed if children will find forever homes. I see all of these things, it breaks my heart and I ask God "How do we help?".
The only answers I get right now are to keep learning, supporting the families God has put in our life and to keep moving forward. We are called to be ready.. for who knows what.
So it's muddy, messy and so, so dark in this valley but God is faithful and will lead us to the other side.
In the meantime I'm gonna make dinner, bake some bread and clean my house.. the quiet and purpose are balm to this wounded soul.
Be blessed friends.
It's an odd thing waiting... we all do it, we all hate it and none of us can make what we're waiting for happen any faster... and yet we try.
Take me for example.. I've scoured every adoption site imaginable, found child after child that I want to adopt, prayed, begged, pleaded and waited in a fake state of "calm"... I've tried to convince God we're ready, convince Steve to apply for every child imaginable and tried to force God's hand at every turn.. to no avail.
Yesterday we heard that the child we'd been praying for was coming home on Friday. We did our crazy happy dance and then the panic and frenzy prep. set in. We began dreaming about her and doing all the things any expectant parent does.. the "what if's" and the "maybe one days".
Today we got the call that it was all over. I wish I could say this was the first time we'd experienced this or will be the last but it probably isn't. For silly reasons that I'm not going to share here this child will not be ours... at least not at the moment.
I sat and let myself cry for a bit and once again let go of the dreams we had for another little one. I sent out the mass texts and facebook notifications so I wouldn't have to field congratulations messages later.. and then I just let myself get quiet.
After awhile I felt it... that peace that passes understanding. That warm embrace from my God who loves me dearly, loves these children more than I could ever imagine and is preparing us to be the parents of specific ones.
I feel peaceful friends. I am still sad and a little weepy but I'm at peace. I'm more aware each day of the corruption, dysfunction and breakdown of communication our state has with it's social systems. I'm more aware each day of the changes that are needed if children will find forever homes. I see all of these things, it breaks my heart and I ask God "How do we help?".
The only answers I get right now are to keep learning, supporting the families God has put in our life and to keep moving forward. We are called to be ready.. for who knows what.
So it's muddy, messy and so, so dark in this valley but God is faithful and will lead us to the other side.
In the meantime I'm gonna make dinner, bake some bread and clean my house.. the quiet and purpose are balm to this wounded soul.
Be blessed friends.
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