The God of the Impossible
"Deep breaths Katie; take deep breaths". I could hear Steve's voice but it sounded like it was coming from the end of a long hallway. "Breath with me. Baby you've got to calm down." It didn't seem to matter how much he reminded me to take my next breath.. it evaded me. You see I was in the middle of the worst panic attack I'd ever experienced and it had come out of nowhere.
The last three months has been a balancing act of incredibly, incredibly stressful situations. We've been adjusting to a new schedule where Steve can't be home like he used to. We've been dealing with financial stresses that sometimes felt like they would flatten us with the sheer weight of all the details. We've been dealing with the ever present "what if's" in adoption.. the almost constant rejection we've felt in the Va state adoption system and the call put on our life to make people aware. Add to that normal "life", owning and operating a small business and my body suddenly turning on me and you have a pot that's ready to boil over... and it did.
I've always been strong. I have never been the person to put my struggles on anyone else and that's not always healthy. I'm the one who will always concede to what others want to do.. though not always graciously. I just don't like to need or depend on anyone else.
Well I can't do that in this season of life.. or possibly ever again. My brain has just "had it" with doing it all on my own. My dear, sweet, gift of a husband has stepped up and I'm reminded again of how perfect God's plans are. He gives you that person who can stand up and fight for you when you have no fight left.
I believe deeply in a loving God who has plans that I cannot even begin to understand. I believe that Jesus is wiser and sees more than I will ever understand and that gives me comfort. I also believe God can take my questions and doesn't shy away from the hard things (see dying for our sins as a reference to this).
My puny little human heart has had a lot of questions lately... and I feel like he's just sat and lovingly listened as I've cried, yelled, cursed and even screamed at him during this period of life. I like that about him... that he wants to hear my heart... even when it's bloodied and not feeling very "christian".
So that's an update.. some say we're under attack because something's coming, some say it's just life. I tend to fall in the middle. Life is hard and it's even harder when you take it all on yourself. I'm working to come to Jesus with my problems more, to trust the man he's given me to carry our family and to have grace with myself. It doesn't all have to be done by me...
As I sit here writing I'm tearfully grateful to know that it's going to be ok. Life is hard and sometimes downright impossible... but then we serve the God of the impossible.
Be blessed!
The last three months has been a balancing act of incredibly, incredibly stressful situations. We've been adjusting to a new schedule where Steve can't be home like he used to. We've been dealing with financial stresses that sometimes felt like they would flatten us with the sheer weight of all the details. We've been dealing with the ever present "what if's" in adoption.. the almost constant rejection we've felt in the Va state adoption system and the call put on our life to make people aware. Add to that normal "life", owning and operating a small business and my body suddenly turning on me and you have a pot that's ready to boil over... and it did.
I've always been strong. I have never been the person to put my struggles on anyone else and that's not always healthy. I'm the one who will always concede to what others want to do.. though not always graciously. I just don't like to need or depend on anyone else.
Well I can't do that in this season of life.. or possibly ever again. My brain has just "had it" with doing it all on my own. My dear, sweet, gift of a husband has stepped up and I'm reminded again of how perfect God's plans are. He gives you that person who can stand up and fight for you when you have no fight left.
I believe deeply in a loving God who has plans that I cannot even begin to understand. I believe that Jesus is wiser and sees more than I will ever understand and that gives me comfort. I also believe God can take my questions and doesn't shy away from the hard things (see dying for our sins as a reference to this).
My puny little human heart has had a lot of questions lately... and I feel like he's just sat and lovingly listened as I've cried, yelled, cursed and even screamed at him during this period of life. I like that about him... that he wants to hear my heart... even when it's bloodied and not feeling very "christian".
So that's an update.. some say we're under attack because something's coming, some say it's just life. I tend to fall in the middle. Life is hard and it's even harder when you take it all on yourself. I'm working to come to Jesus with my problems more, to trust the man he's given me to carry our family and to have grace with myself. It doesn't all have to be done by me...
As I sit here writing I'm tearfully grateful to know that it's going to be ok. Life is hard and sometimes downright impossible... but then we serve the God of the impossible.
Be blessed!
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