The Blessing of "No".

"I think I've got things pretty together."

This was the thought that went through my head, January 2018. I arrogantly surveyed things and any red flags in life were obviously the effects of other people's issues.  I was not the cause.  

Every day was a long list of victim mentality fueled excuses.  I didn't need to change, everyone else did.

Oh man did I learn.

February hit like a freight train.  I came face to face with my worst fears as a mother and it left me in a crumpled heap on the floor.  I won't get into the details, but I remember the lesson I learned.  I remember the "No" for that season. 

I cannot save my children.  I am not enough to fill them.  I cannot love them enough and any attempt to point them to myself instead of the Lord was arrogance and would always fail.  

I remember the moment when I realized this.  I was standing in the dark in the kitchen.  The kids were all in bed.  Steve walked in and wrapped his arms around me and I crumbled.  I had failed.  "I wasn't enough," I said.  Almost as quickly,  the Holy Spirit in his mercy began to speak to my heart.  If I could not save myself, why would I ever assume I could be enough for my children?  It cracked my heart open in a way only grief can and I was better for it.

The next "No" wasn't expected, not that any of them were.  I got a call from my dad, it was cancer.  I remember where I was.  I remember acting like it was going to be fine but again felt like I'd somehow failed....  

I've since realized a pattern my whole life.  Any time someone I loved deeply suffered as a kid I would assume the responsibility for not making it better.  I remember being 7 or 8 and my little sister fell and skinned her knee.  I was at the top of the steps and saw it happening but couldn't get there in time.  I vividly remember thinking "It's your fault she's hurt."  This theme happened over and over and led me up to this past year.

As I hung up the phone and began to process what my dad had told me another process was beginning.  The Lord was showing me how little control I have over ANYTHING in life.  I cannot control the track of the day.  I cannot control the choices of my children.  I cannot even control my own emotions some days.  How could I possibly expect that I could fix any of this "no's" that had come my way?  There's only one who has done all of those things and he was lovingly reminding me of his power.

Fast forward to July.  I see a house.  It's a BIG house and it starts the wheels turning and I begin dreaming.  Space is an important thing for our family.  Not only because there are so many of us, but because of the unique needs of our family.  For a kid to be able to get away from the crazy when memories get too big would be amazing.  I arrogantly thought "Hey, we can just sell our house and buy this one.  It'll be great!".  We prayed about it but my heart believed I could do this in my own strength.

So we listed our house for sale in October....

Then a hurricane hit and destroyed our yard......

Our plumbing backed up into the house and we discovered our house was on an undocumented septic tank.....

Our dishwasher, microwave, washer and dryer, hall light all stopped working within a month of each other.....

Our kids went through a season of intense anxiety and paint was picked off the walls...

All of this happened and we kept showing the house... over 30 times.  

Every time was a "no".  It broke us. 

I remember sitting on the floor in my closet sobbing.  My heart was just SO angry with the Lord.  Wasn't it enough?  Hadn't we been through enough?  Our life was hard enough, why couldn't he just give already??  

Oh the arrogance.  To think that I am owed anything.  To think that I know better than the Lord that made me, created this life I live and KNOWS my innermost thoughts, heart and desire.  

I was brought to a moment where I just screamed, cried and felt all my illusions of control just crack and break away.

I was exhausted.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I was ready to turn over the reigns.

You see how stubborn I am?  I fought.  I schemed and planned.  I negotiated and bargained.  I acted like I was the owner and author of my life... but I surrendered that role long ago.

When I was incredibly young the Lord opened my eyes to my need for him.  I remember it just made sense and I loved him so.  The years had dampened that love though into a dull burn and it needed to be reignited.  

I sit here now, 12+ months later and I'm changed to my core.  The peace I feel these days is only made deeper when I remember the restlessness and anger I was filled with a year ago.  Jesus has been kind to me. 

As we've walked into this season of surrender we've also found ourselves dreaming again.  We have always been in love with the process of redemption and restoration.  It's what Christ has done and is doing on a daily basis in our hearts.  We love to model and mimic that process in our daily life, in our work.  As we've dreamed we've realized our hearts cry has deepened into a desire to make others lives better.  

We're dreaming about a farm that wraps all who are there in love, acceptance and the knowledge that they're needed. 

We're restarting our herbal business, Lord willing, and dreaming up ways to improve, expand and continue to create products that make every day life a little healthier. 

We're adopting again.  We don't know who but the Lord has been so clear that we're to move forward and just prepare.  I've thought of the story of Noah over and over as we've been in this process.  I don't know who is coming but I know we have to make room.  It's scary and I feel crazy more often than nought, but it is good.

We're writing music again.  Worship and encouragement that is poured from the deepest parts of our heart that have encountered the Lord this year and come away renewed.  It's a slow process but it's picking up speed.

We laugh a lot more.  I know this isn't a life change but it really is.  

The last 4 years have been hard for our family.  We walked blindly into a process of adopting older kids joyfully and with no understanding of what it would require of us.  We were young 30 year olds who had NO ONE in our life who was experiencing what we were.  We couldn't talk about it.  We didn't even know how to talk about it.  We just put our heads down and did the best we could.  

We're finally at a stage where life is feeling as normal as it can when you all started your lives apart and tragedy brought you together.  We are a team and we are deeply committed to each other more and more each day.  I love these kiddos with every fiber of my being and they have taught me more about redemption and the gospel than any other human on this planet.  They are resilient and never give up.  They forgive over and over and over.  They hope for the best and face their fears even when it's overwhelming.  They make me a better person for being their mommy.

I say all of that because the last desire that is building is to find a way to better support foster and adoptive families, especially older child adoption/placement.  I remember the isolation and exhaustion in the beginning and the Lord in his mercy has since taught me my eyes must lift to him in my hard moments.  I've gotten the joy of working with a few families over the years and have found a deep joy in getting to sit and listen while they begin their journeys.  I get to be a sounding board, cheerleader and friend during some of the most life altering moments they'll go through.  I'm excited to see where that will lead in the coming years. 

This turned out to be way longer than I was expecting but the process of writing is one I've missed dearly.  To sum it all up, our life is at the edge of huge changes.  It's scary and yet exhilarating at the same time. I'm a lover of change and as I get older I'm learning how to make that work for me instead of beat myself up for it.

If you've made it this far I just want to encourage you.  The Lord has not forgotten you.  "No" never means "I don't love you.".  "Wait" never means "I've forgotten you.".  "Yes" doesn't mean "You're my favorite.".  

Each season has it's ups and downs and there are just as many blessings, if not more, in the no's of life I'm learning.  They make us bolder.  They make us stronger.  They fill us with moxie... but only if the one who's filling us also created us.  THAT is a strength that never runs out, never leaves us and always, ALWAYS picks us back up when life is crushing us.

Be encouraged friends.  We don't fight this fight.  It's already won.

With Love Again (finally),

Katie