Called Me Higher
Exactly 7 days ago Steve and I were sitting in our room asking ourselves how we could keep moving forward. We were so angry, hurt, frustrated and overwhelmed. We tried to pray but the hurt kept rising up and knocking us silent and so we silently waited.
24 hours later we sat in a silent house and wept. All three of our kids had just driven off in a confused heap of chaos and we were left with silence. The anger was gone. The hurt, frustration and general feelings of being overwhelmed were still going strong. We finally found the words to pray and it was simply.. "Jesus what is your will?"
It's now been a week and while I miss all three kids... this is SO different from when we said goodbye to the twins almost a year ago. I miss them, but I'm not devastated.
Foster care is this crazy balance between trying to create a family environment but still remembering that at any time they could leave. The state is in control and that can be maddening at times. The details really aren't important. The state simply decided they needed to move and so they did.
So what now?
Will we get them back? I really don't think so. Will we get more kids? I really don't know.
I feel like we're back in the same holding pattern that we've been in for 5 years now. Each time we move forward we learn so much and I wouldn't change it for anything.. but sometimes it's hard not to feel just a little defeated. Sometimes it's hard not to question if it'll ever end.
I love change, but at this point I'm even ready for some kind of permanency in our life. I want to wake up and know that my kids aren't going anywhere. I want to know they are MY kids. At the same time I know that there is a huge need in the foster system... it's just so stinkin hard.
So there it is.. the truth is I am just weary and see SO much pain and SO much hurt and just don't know what to do with any of it.
And that is why we are waiting in hope on the Lord. He calls us to so much more but that doesn't mean it all happens at once. So I'm waiting, painting and cleaning my house.
There are worse things :)
24 hours later we sat in a silent house and wept. All three of our kids had just driven off in a confused heap of chaos and we were left with silence. The anger was gone. The hurt, frustration and general feelings of being overwhelmed were still going strong. We finally found the words to pray and it was simply.. "Jesus what is your will?"
It's now been a week and while I miss all three kids... this is SO different from when we said goodbye to the twins almost a year ago. I miss them, but I'm not devastated.
Foster care is this crazy balance between trying to create a family environment but still remembering that at any time they could leave. The state is in control and that can be maddening at times. The details really aren't important. The state simply decided they needed to move and so they did.
So what now?
Will we get them back? I really don't think so. Will we get more kids? I really don't know.
I feel like we're back in the same holding pattern that we've been in for 5 years now. Each time we move forward we learn so much and I wouldn't change it for anything.. but sometimes it's hard not to feel just a little defeated. Sometimes it's hard not to question if it'll ever end.
I love change, but at this point I'm even ready for some kind of permanency in our life. I want to wake up and know that my kids aren't going anywhere. I want to know they are MY kids. At the same time I know that there is a huge need in the foster system... it's just so stinkin hard.
So there it is.. the truth is I am just weary and see SO much pain and SO much hurt and just don't know what to do with any of it.
And that is why we are waiting in hope on the Lord. He calls us to so much more but that doesn't mean it all happens at once. So I'm waiting, painting and cleaning my house.
There are worse things :)
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