Chapter 3
I, like so many women like to have control of my life. I like to know when things will happen and how people will react. I like to have all of my counter plans in place in case plan 1 isn't effective. I like to know how things will work out.
Well over the last two years... well my whole life really but we'll focus on the last two years...God has been slowly working on that need to have control. Little things at first, having to wait for Steve to feel we should adopt, agreeing on a timeline, agreeing on international or domestic. Then I began to lose control of larger things like where we would adopt from, how that would look, when it would happen. God has been taking me on a journey... one that isn't fun a lot of the time. I'm on a journey to release control of how my family will look, when it will look that way and what he wants me to do in the meantime. Easy right??? RIGHT???
I am sad to write this, so sad, but last night God closed one more chapter of this adoption journey. Steve and I had to come to the heart breaking decision that the twins are not our girls. Over the last month things with their grandma (who is their legal guardian) went from good to frustrating to hair pulling to down right impossible. We have come to the conclusion that continuing on with her would mean a lifetime of compromising ourselves and having her dictate how we live. That is no way to live or raise a family. Their grandma is not an evil person. She loves those girls very much. We have very different views about what life is and should be, how we should treat others and just the idea of family. We are so sad about this but also have such a peace.
I'm sure some will read this and think to themselves, "They must have ignored what God was telling them." or "They just got it wrong." Well I'm here to tell you that we didn't get it wrong. I will forever be grateful for the experiences and moments we have had over the last four months. Those were two amazing, amazing little girls. My heart weeps for them that they won't get have a mommy and daddy any time soon... but they have a heavenly daddy who is so much more prepared and capable than we could ever be. My prayer is that all the times of praying with us and us praying over them, the protection we begged God for and the love he gave us for them will make a lasting mark.
So, I don't think we made a mistake. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I have seen God answer prayers in amazing ways every step of this journey. I have seen him teach Steve and I a little more of what it means to be parents. I have seen him teach us mercy and patience. I have seen him show us what kind of parents we will one day be.
I think it would be easy to look at all of this and get bitter. From the outside it can look like we altered our whole life, gave up my job, made financial decisions and life-style ones. Well we did all of those things and if you don't believe in the sovereign power of Jesus Christ then it's easy to say that was all a waste. Well, Steve and I DO believe in the sovereign power of Jesus Christ. We believe me being home is exactly where Christ wanted me. We believe there is a purpose for this beyond what we can see right now.
So where do we go from here? Well today is a day of conversations with our social worker at Bethany, finishing this chapter with the girls by cleaning house and mailing off presents and spending time just being quiet and praying for Steve. He is so strong and such a good husband. I hate seeing him in pain... but it's just evidence of how deeply that man loves and I love that about him.
Please keep us in your prayers over the coming weeks as the adjustments are sure to be confusing and painful at times as we face a very different Christmas than we had expected and begin to transition into the third chapter of this adoption journey. We know without a shadow of a doubt we are where we should be. We know without a shadow of a doubt we have been called to adoption and believe we are one step close to beginning our family through it.
You will never know the comfort it is knowing all of these people, that YOU have been walking through this with us.
Be Blessed!
Well over the last two years... well my whole life really but we'll focus on the last two years...God has been slowly working on that need to have control. Little things at first, having to wait for Steve to feel we should adopt, agreeing on a timeline, agreeing on international or domestic. Then I began to lose control of larger things like where we would adopt from, how that would look, when it would happen. God has been taking me on a journey... one that isn't fun a lot of the time. I'm on a journey to release control of how my family will look, when it will look that way and what he wants me to do in the meantime. Easy right??? RIGHT???
I am sad to write this, so sad, but last night God closed one more chapter of this adoption journey. Steve and I had to come to the heart breaking decision that the twins are not our girls. Over the last month things with their grandma (who is their legal guardian) went from good to frustrating to hair pulling to down right impossible. We have come to the conclusion that continuing on with her would mean a lifetime of compromising ourselves and having her dictate how we live. That is no way to live or raise a family. Their grandma is not an evil person. She loves those girls very much. We have very different views about what life is and should be, how we should treat others and just the idea of family. We are so sad about this but also have such a peace.
I'm sure some will read this and think to themselves, "They must have ignored what God was telling them." or "They just got it wrong." Well I'm here to tell you that we didn't get it wrong. I will forever be grateful for the experiences and moments we have had over the last four months. Those were two amazing, amazing little girls. My heart weeps for them that they won't get have a mommy and daddy any time soon... but they have a heavenly daddy who is so much more prepared and capable than we could ever be. My prayer is that all the times of praying with us and us praying over them, the protection we begged God for and the love he gave us for them will make a lasting mark.
So, I don't think we made a mistake. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I have seen God answer prayers in amazing ways every step of this journey. I have seen him teach Steve and I a little more of what it means to be parents. I have seen him teach us mercy and patience. I have seen him show us what kind of parents we will one day be.
I think it would be easy to look at all of this and get bitter. From the outside it can look like we altered our whole life, gave up my job, made financial decisions and life-style ones. Well we did all of those things and if you don't believe in the sovereign power of Jesus Christ then it's easy to say that was all a waste. Well, Steve and I DO believe in the sovereign power of Jesus Christ. We believe me being home is exactly where Christ wanted me. We believe there is a purpose for this beyond what we can see right now.
So where do we go from here? Well today is a day of conversations with our social worker at Bethany, finishing this chapter with the girls by cleaning house and mailing off presents and spending time just being quiet and praying for Steve. He is so strong and such a good husband. I hate seeing him in pain... but it's just evidence of how deeply that man loves and I love that about him.
Please keep us in your prayers over the coming weeks as the adjustments are sure to be confusing and painful at times as we face a very different Christmas than we had expected and begin to transition into the third chapter of this adoption journey. We know without a shadow of a doubt we are where we should be. We know without a shadow of a doubt we have been called to adoption and believe we are one step close to beginning our family through it.
You will never know the comfort it is knowing all of these people, that YOU have been walking through this with us.
Be Blessed!
Comments
Praying for you and Steve. And I too encourage you in and agree with you that our God is sovereign. He will use each step and each situation to grow you both. He'll place you right in the middle of the situations where miracles must occur... if we are willing, and you two are. Thanks for sharing your heart and laying it all out. My prayer is that through this, others will choose to step up and obey, even when it's hard and painful.