Brought Low
There is this feeling when you know you've messed up... that twisting in your stomach, that feeling of dread.. I know that feeling well. Over the last few weeks God has brought me to a place where not only have I had to face how royally I've screwed things up but that I'm truly powerless to fix them.. I have to let Him.
I am a prideful girl. I am not bashful about that and it really doesn't do any good to hide it. That is one of my biggest struggles with God and Satan's favorite attribute of mine. It's so easy to hide and because of that there are periods of life where it's really easy to just let my pride be.... well this isn't one of those periods...
Two weeks ago I was praying and asked God to give me humility.. I knew what I praying.. as I've stated before I have a pride problem. I just didn't realize how quickly Satan would swoop in and the battle would begin. My thoughts have been a crazy, crazy place to be over the last few weeks. I have been gripped with a feeling of worthlessness, a feeling of being pushed out of all I hold dear, a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of having no place. Being home is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now but I suddenly found it all working against me.
In all of my feelings of worthlessness etc I've realized one thing... it's ALL pride. To let my thinking get to a place where I think "I'm sad they don't need me anymore" or "My place has been taken". It's pride. It may not look like that at first glance but thinking that only I can fill a place or only I can get a job done is pride pure and simple.
God has been moving my heart to get to a place where I can praise him and worship him even if I don't talk to another person for a week or I don't sing or no one says they miss me. Because it's not about me and my selfish, sinful heart makes it about me all the time. I argue that it's not wrong but it is because anything that deems to take glory from the one who is glorious is wrong.
That last paragraph made it sound like I'm totally there.. two weeks and BOOM I'm cured of my pride... HA... I have to write that again HA!!! I don't think I will ever be rid of my pride... I honestly don't. It's more learning to give it back to God when it comes up, learning to look to him to feel proud in who I am in HIM not what my human accomplishments may be but what accomplishments I have in him.
So anyway, that's the ugly beautiful truth. Katie is prideful and has to take it to God every day, many times a day. Ugly because it's sin and well... sin is ugly... beautiful because what Jesus does with my sin is the most amazing thing... regardless of how many times I take the glory for myself or think of myself more highly than I should.. He is still there, lovingly correcting me.. painful as it may be.
With him I am made new and that is beautiful!
I am a prideful girl. I am not bashful about that and it really doesn't do any good to hide it. That is one of my biggest struggles with God and Satan's favorite attribute of mine. It's so easy to hide and because of that there are periods of life where it's really easy to just let my pride be.... well this isn't one of those periods...
In all of my feelings of worthlessness etc I've realized one thing... it's ALL pride. To let my thinking get to a place where I think "I'm sad they don't need me anymore" or "My place has been taken". It's pride. It may not look like that at first glance but thinking that only I can fill a place or only I can get a job done is pride pure and simple.
That last paragraph made it sound like I'm totally there.. two weeks and BOOM I'm cured of my pride... HA... I have to write that again HA!!! I don't think I will ever be rid of my pride... I honestly don't. It's more learning to give it back to God when it comes up, learning to look to him to feel proud in who I am in HIM not what my human accomplishments may be but what accomplishments I have in him.
So anyway, that's the ugly beautiful truth. Katie is prideful and has to take it to God every day, many times a day. Ugly because it's sin and well... sin is ugly... beautiful because what Jesus does with my sin is the most amazing thing... regardless of how many times I take the glory for myself or think of myself more highly than I should.. He is still there, lovingly correcting me.. painful as it may be.
With him I am made new and that is beautiful!
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