His Plans are Not Ours

at the compass school getting my hair braided :)

So today I have been back in the USA for a week.  That feels surreal.  It feels like I'm in this limbo, wanting to be in both places.  I learned so much and God broke so many things in me.  I will never forget my time there and am still processing what I saw and experienced so I'm sure in the coming weeks I will talk more about it.  I realized some things while I was gone that I needed to change, glaring imperfections that came out in situations God designed to show me I needed to change.  I saw things I have been doing to Steve in the past that are simply unacceptable.  I cannot take out my emotions on my husband simply because I know he will let me... that is unfair and unloving of me.  That's just one of the things I am processing and learning but there is so much more!!

One of the things I haven't talked about much lately is how the adoption is going... and that's mostly because I couldn't.  We had to wait to see how a few things panned out before I really could talk about it any more on here.  On the 17th we had our final home study visit.  This is where our social worker came to our house, interviewed us one last time and inspected the house.  One thing I have loved and appreciated about Bethany is how laid back they have been with us while still being incredibly thorough! I am so grateful we were led to them.  Well at the end of our home study our social worker begins to tell us about a sibling group of 3.  I won't go into any details about their situation but she asks us if we are interested in pursuing them.  After a lot of prayer, agonizing and discussion we did not go that route but it was a very, very hard decision.  I knew it would be an emotional ride, adoption.  But honestly did not expect what we have gone through.

I want to explain something here and please know I am completely broken when I say this.  We have seen the pain and suffering of these children over the last few months.  We have been approached several times about potential babies, mostly from people who know we're adopting, and it is very, very hard.  Each time it gets harder.  Please understand adoption is not where you just "take the next baby that comes along".  Yes Steve and I want to start our family.  Yes we want to start it through adoption.  But we believe God has a specific baby or babies for us.  We cover every decision and every child we hear about in prayer. We ask him over and over "Is this the one?".  We are anxiously awaiting the day when our child or children are placed in our arms but we honestly believe that will come from our agency.  Our heart is broken every time we get a call from someone because we know that this is not our baby but they need a home.  I don't know if that will make sense to anyone but it's been a roller coaster of a ride as we begin to see the need more and more and know that we have not met our child or children yet.

We are in the waiting period of the adoption.  We have turned over our profiles and now it's just a matter of when that woman who is going to give us the most amazing gift will walk through the doors of the agency.  It's an exciting time but also a daunting time.  We have no timeline and as such are beginning to operate that things will happen sooner than later so we are prepared but honestly we have no idea.  It could be 2 weeks that we get the call or a year... there is no way to tell!

So we are moving ahead with another yard sale in August, applying for grants and researching ways to raise money.  We have some huge and not so huge projects to do on the house and are looking for ways to get it all done and still enjoy time together.  We just can't wait honestly... we think about those little arms and legs all the time.  We pray for that little heart and the experiences that will be had before we meet.  We pray for protection and wisdom for the birth mother.  They are always at the back of our mind.

So when I begin to get overwhelmed by the financial load still ahead or the amount of things to do before we even become parents I make myself stop, breath and slow down.  One of my favorite words lately has been "hush".  I want to be still and quiet enough that I can hear Jesus directing each step as we get closer to each other.  I want to remember that each day we are closer, not that I have no timeline.  I want to remember that these days with Steve are precious, not that we didn't get done what we had planned that night.  This is a waiting time but also a time for celebration.  We are blessed and we are holding on to that even among all the questions, worries and wonders.

be blessed!