It's going to be ok...right?
My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same. ~ Job 4:8
It's been a hard week for me... ok a hard few months actually. I feel like I keep thinking about everything to come and completely taking my focus off of everything because of it. On the other side of it I've been dealing with some pretty intense emotions in the last week... things I really didn't realize the fullness of until last night. I've been so angry. Not a belligerent, get in everyone's face, make a scene angry. It's been a slow burn that has been growing over the last few months.... an anger at myself for settling for things I know I shouldn't, an anger at community and feeling like it's gone, an anger at God... and that's the really hard one.
When you start the adoption journey you hear from different people how hard it is, how emotional... but I didn't really hear about how isolating it can be. There are times where I just want to pour my heart out and scream and cry because of something that is going on but there are so few that are going through what I am that it really isn't an option unless I want to pour out to a complete stranger via the blog network... which happily I have not done yet... YET. I know people say they understand it's hard and they are here for me but it's really hard to understand just how different this waiting is from waiting for your baby to be born... it's just so different. I feel I can say that because while I didn't get to carry ours to term I was pregnant and the feelings and emotions while on both sides are very intense this has been totally different.
I have no answers. I have no timeline. I don't have something I can see growing and becoming stronger each day in front of me. I know this may sound like whining to some and if so I'm sorry but this is my blog :) so I will whine all I want... just for today.
Trust has taken on a completely different face for me in the past few weeks. I have been struggling with my own sin and imperfection and pride. I don't want to lean on God while I wait because I don't want to wait. I know His time is perfect, I know it's not time yet because it hasn't happened... I know all of this... but right now it just sounds like a callous answer to my very raw heart. I ache for them. I cannot think about them... seriously think about them without crying... which means yes I'm crying right now. We pray for them together every morning and night but there really isn't a moment of the day that my children are not in the back of my mind.
God and I have been in a pretty intense tug of war of late for my submission, for my trust, for control. I know he's going to win... I know this completely but still I fight. Why do I do this? Sunday morning he spoke so blatantly and clearly to my heart... literally it was audible and yet I still am afraid of giving him complete control. Last night he again spoke through a song... had me in tears on the floor and yet still I hold on to that illusion of control. What is it in me as a woman, a sinful woman that holds on to this illusion instead of embracing the peace he offers... it boils down to fear... I am afraid of how long I will have to wait. I am afraid of what I will have to give up. I am afraid pure and simple.
it's funny.. well not really but when we are afraid it usually manifests in anger. The past two weeks I have realized more and more how angry I am and I'm dealing with that but I'm still praying. I'm still hoping and I'm still talking to Jesus... cause even when I'm so angry at him I could scream he's still there... he still listens and he still reminds me that it's going to be ok, there is a plan and it's just not time yet.
It's going to be ok.... it's going to be ok.... right?
It's been a hard week for me... ok a hard few months actually. I feel like I keep thinking about everything to come and completely taking my focus off of everything because of it. On the other side of it I've been dealing with some pretty intense emotions in the last week... things I really didn't realize the fullness of until last night. I've been so angry. Not a belligerent, get in everyone's face, make a scene angry. It's been a slow burn that has been growing over the last few months.... an anger at myself for settling for things I know I shouldn't, an anger at community and feeling like it's gone, an anger at God... and that's the really hard one.
When you start the adoption journey you hear from different people how hard it is, how emotional... but I didn't really hear about how isolating it can be. There are times where I just want to pour my heart out and scream and cry because of something that is going on but there are so few that are going through what I am that it really isn't an option unless I want to pour out to a complete stranger via the blog network... which happily I have not done yet... YET. I know people say they understand it's hard and they are here for me but it's really hard to understand just how different this waiting is from waiting for your baby to be born... it's just so different. I feel I can say that because while I didn't get to carry ours to term I was pregnant and the feelings and emotions while on both sides are very intense this has been totally different.
Trust has taken on a completely different face for me in the past few weeks. I have been struggling with my own sin and imperfection and pride. I don't want to lean on God while I wait because I don't want to wait. I know His time is perfect, I know it's not time yet because it hasn't happened... I know all of this... but right now it just sounds like a callous answer to my very raw heart. I ache for them. I cannot think about them... seriously think about them without crying... which means yes I'm crying right now. We pray for them together every morning and night but there really isn't a moment of the day that my children are not in the back of my mind.
God and I have been in a pretty intense tug of war of late for my submission, for my trust, for control. I know he's going to win... I know this completely but still I fight. Why do I do this? Sunday morning he spoke so blatantly and clearly to my heart... literally it was audible and yet I still am afraid of giving him complete control. Last night he again spoke through a song... had me in tears on the floor and yet still I hold on to that illusion of control. What is it in me as a woman, a sinful woman that holds on to this illusion instead of embracing the peace he offers... it boils down to fear... I am afraid of how long I will have to wait. I am afraid of what I will have to give up. I am afraid pure and simple. it's funny.. well not really but when we are afraid it usually manifests in anger. The past two weeks I have realized more and more how angry I am and I'm dealing with that but I'm still praying. I'm still hoping and I'm still talking to Jesus... cause even when I'm so angry at him I could scream he's still there... he still listens and he still reminds me that it's going to be ok, there is a plan and it's just not time yet.
It's going to be ok.... it's going to be ok.... right?
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