Claiming His Blood
I can remember a stage of my life where image was everything, people's perceptions of me was everything. I was willing to sacrifice who I was for an illusion of having it together and being a "godly woman". In truth I was a fraud, broken, lonely and so far from knowing who I was in Jesus.
I remember when that illusion began to crumble. Still, even in the face of tragedy it still took a full year for my little kingdom to truly fall to pieces.
5 years ago Steve and I were in the middle of fertility treatments. Shots, pills, hormones and mood swings were words I used in my every day life. Steve dealt with my downright craziness by laying low, and while we both look back and agree this wasn't how things should have gone, I can't really blame him either :).
One Sunday, in the midst of all the meds and craziness from me, we had a positive pregnancy test. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. Steve was at church and I was home because I felt sick. I took the test and then couldn't get a hold of him for hours. When he got home I told him and the look of absolute shock was priceless!
We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone right away because anything could happen... that lasted all of 12 hours and then we just shared with anyone we met... wish I could say we'd do that differently now but honestly we would do that all over again.
The weeks went on and I felt awful... just like they said I would. I was so excited even though there was this one small doubt in the back of my head... that "what if".
At 6 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound. I was SO excited. I was finally one of THEM. Those blessed women that God saw fit to give a baby. We nervously waited in the waiting room and then it was time!
We headed back and as they did the ultrasound things suddenly began to unravel. The doctor who was doing my ultrasound simply stated there was no heartbeat and maybe we had the dates off. They told us to to come back the following week and we would see where we were.
SILENCE
As soon as we left there it was all I could do to keep it together but somehow I faked it... I'm really good at that in the midst of a crisis. We somehow got through the weekend. I was in a wedding and it was such an emotional weekend wondering if I was or was not pregnant any more.
Monday morning we headed back to Norfolk and once again sat in that chair. The same doctor did the ultra sound and I will never forget her words... "there is no heartbeat. this is not a good pregnancy"and then she left.
My broken heart didn't know what to do with that information. We quickly made our way back to the car, let family know what was going on and then just sat in silence. I had been told that because I was only 7 weeks along at that point that my body should naturally miscarry. After a week it became evident that wasn't going to happen.
They gave me medicine to induce a miscarriage and it just so happened that the final pill I took coincided with a Sunday I was scheduled to sing in Genesis. This brings me back to my first sentence on this post. Image was everything at that point in my life. I look back at that 24 year old girl singing on stage, smiling at everyone she saw. I want to hug her as I remember her sitting in a bathroom stall quietly sobbing so no one would be aware of what was happening that very minute. I miscarried my baby in a stall at church because I wasn't willing to let anyone know how much pain I was in.
I'm in tears thinking about that time.. shortly after that our marriage took the biggest hit it had ever taken, my dad was in and out of hospitals, my life unraveled quickly! At the end of that year I was shaken, broken and just didn't know up from down. And that is when God started to build me back up.. piece by piece.
I don't consider myself a person of strong faith, but I do consider myself a child of God, loved by Jesus and redeemed by his blood and because of this every time I throw a fit, loose myself in my sorrow or turn my back I know that he is still there. Even though I was so consumed with how everyone else saw me, he saw that little girl sobbing in the bathroom and he was the one wiping the tears.
I write all of this to say that God has taken that broken mess and redeemed it to someone who understands that it is better to be imperfect and claim the blood of Christ than to fake being someone who has it all together... because come on.. THAT DOESN'T EXIST.
So this year makes the 4th year of Steve and I's pledge to be open, honest and real. Real doesn't always mean pretty and so there are days when this blog is whiny, repetitive and boring... or I just spare you blogging that day :)
Be Blessed!
I remember when that illusion began to crumble. Still, even in the face of tragedy it still took a full year for my little kingdom to truly fall to pieces.
5 years ago Steve and I were in the middle of fertility treatments. Shots, pills, hormones and mood swings were words I used in my every day life. Steve dealt with my downright craziness by laying low, and while we both look back and agree this wasn't how things should have gone, I can't really blame him either :).
One Sunday, in the midst of all the meds and craziness from me, we had a positive pregnancy test. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. Steve was at church and I was home because I felt sick. I took the test and then couldn't get a hold of him for hours. When he got home I told him and the look of absolute shock was priceless!
We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone right away because anything could happen... that lasted all of 12 hours and then we just shared with anyone we met... wish I could say we'd do that differently now but honestly we would do that all over again.
The weeks went on and I felt awful... just like they said I would. I was so excited even though there was this one small doubt in the back of my head... that "what if".
At 6 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound. I was SO excited. I was finally one of THEM. Those blessed women that God saw fit to give a baby. We nervously waited in the waiting room and then it was time!
We headed back and as they did the ultrasound things suddenly began to unravel. The doctor who was doing my ultrasound simply stated there was no heartbeat and maybe we had the dates off. They told us to to come back the following week and we would see where we were.
SILENCE
As soon as we left there it was all I could do to keep it together but somehow I faked it... I'm really good at that in the midst of a crisis. We somehow got through the weekend. I was in a wedding and it was such an emotional weekend wondering if I was or was not pregnant any more.
Monday morning we headed back to Norfolk and once again sat in that chair. The same doctor did the ultra sound and I will never forget her words... "there is no heartbeat. this is not a good pregnancy"and then she left.
My broken heart didn't know what to do with that information. We quickly made our way back to the car, let family know what was going on and then just sat in silence. I had been told that because I was only 7 weeks along at that point that my body should naturally miscarry. After a week it became evident that wasn't going to happen.
They gave me medicine to induce a miscarriage and it just so happened that the final pill I took coincided with a Sunday I was scheduled to sing in Genesis. This brings me back to my first sentence on this post. Image was everything at that point in my life. I look back at that 24 year old girl singing on stage, smiling at everyone she saw. I want to hug her as I remember her sitting in a bathroom stall quietly sobbing so no one would be aware of what was happening that very minute. I miscarried my baby in a stall at church because I wasn't willing to let anyone know how much pain I was in.
I'm in tears thinking about that time.. shortly after that our marriage took the biggest hit it had ever taken, my dad was in and out of hospitals, my life unraveled quickly! At the end of that year I was shaken, broken and just didn't know up from down. And that is when God started to build me back up.. piece by piece.
I don't consider myself a person of strong faith, but I do consider myself a child of God, loved by Jesus and redeemed by his blood and because of this every time I throw a fit, loose myself in my sorrow or turn my back I know that he is still there. Even though I was so consumed with how everyone else saw me, he saw that little girl sobbing in the bathroom and he was the one wiping the tears.
I write all of this to say that God has taken that broken mess and redeemed it to someone who understands that it is better to be imperfect and claim the blood of Christ than to fake being someone who has it all together... because come on.. THAT DOESN'T EXIST.
So this year makes the 4th year of Steve and I's pledge to be open, honest and real. Real doesn't always mean pretty and so there are days when this blog is whiny, repetitive and boring... or I just spare you blogging that day :)
Be Blessed!
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