Sometimes You Just Have to Ugly Cry :)

This statement will mostly apply to the ladies reading this... but I'm sure you've been there too guys.... ok onto the statement....You know those days where you just need to cry?  I'm not talking about a few little tears and then all is right with the world.  I'm talking about full on, ugly face, snot running, mascara smeared crying.  Well that was me last night :/.  I don't know what really started it all... well maybe I do.  I've been a lot busier the last few weeks... so much so that I don't remember what day it is some days, I buy groceries to make dinner and then don't make it... let alone eat dinner, cleaning has become an idea and the reality is I sweep things out of the way quickly before people come over, and I have spent NO time with Steve that hasn't involved church or falling asleep on the couch for the last 3 weeks.

 I'm not saying all of that to complain because the other side of it all is I LOVE what I do.  I love being behind the scenes in ministry.  I love seeing things come together and being able to facilitate God putting that specific person in that specific place to minister and help that person.  I love coming home after an event and knowing I didn't just help put on an event... I helped people get closer to finding the call to missions, to ministering to others or helped someone hear about Jesus and his love for them.  The hard part of ministry is you get used to giving all of yourself, pouring it out.  Because of this there are those days where all the things un-done just catch up with you.  Last night it was our finances.

 I sometimes get criticized for being to open on the internet.  Well I don't share anything I'm not comfortable sharing and I also have learned through some pretty specific events in my life that it does no good to anyone to act like you're not going through something or to not share when you learn something... we're part of the body of Christ.... we grow together... we cannot do that if we plaster a smile on our face when we're dieing inside. Now I DON'T feel like I'm dieing inside just to be clear :)  I'm very grateful for where the Lord has put me and I love it... just sometimes it gets a little overwhelming!

So back to my night :).  When Steve and I were first married we made some bad, bad, BAD financial decisions.  We had to learn the really hard way that God's ways are perfect... and the debtor really is slave to the lender.  Our life has picked up speed quickly over the last year and as it has it's been harder to have "gazelle intensity" (dave ramsey reference) in regards to paying off that debt.  As I've mentioned before we are taking his class again and it's been so good... but some days it's overwhelming because I think about where we could be and where we are and what we need to be doing but really just can't afford to... it's exhausting!  Last night was one of those times.  We have made a goal to be debt free by the time our kids get home... well everything but the house.  We think this is a very realistic goal.... but to be honest it terrifies me at the same time.  I begin to think about how much we still need to pay off and then I begin to think about how much the adoption will cost and the little, imperfect, doubter of a human in me begins to shake in her boots!

 Even now as I'm writing this I realize how much I'm still filled with the emotion from last night.... is it fear? Yes.  Am I taking it to God?  Yes.  It's a continual conversation we have.  I know... I mean I REALLY know that he's got this... that he has a plan.  But the days when I'm exhausted and my emotions are high all I see are HUGE dollar signs....  It will all work out, I know this but there are days when it's hard to see past the bill in my hand. Please don't translate this into we're having financial problems because that isn't what's going on here.  We have been very blessed that the Lord has seen to all our needs and then some but we are just fighting to pay off our sin... and I believe with my whole heart it was sin!

On a much different note... we're writing music and hope to have several songs finished and recorded by the end of August so stay tuned!!!

love to all!