"Be Still".... what does that mean again?

life has been filled with detours and it’s in the re-routing that I’m finding that He gets bigger and I get smaller. - everybitterthingissweet.com

A lot has happened in the last few days but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. All I know right now is the more I think I know where we're headed the less I really know. 

I've always been a person who's in control, I can see where things are going and I'm prepared. I'm very good at looking ahead and seeing what's coming. That has been completely removed in this process. More and more I see my pride, selfishness and the ugliness that has been so carefully buried in me unearthed more and more.

 Jesus is doing a work in me. I am not enjoying it. I will just be honest. In the past 5 days I have felt such a myriad of emotions... excitement, elation, despair, confusion, joy, anger, frustration... I have come face to face with how much is in me that is "me" and not Him. It's gross honestly. It's like falling in the mud and suddenly realizing it's not a puddle but a field... and as you begin to trudge out of it you get dirtier and dirtier. I have no choice, I have to keep walking... it's the only way out. I know once I get on the other side I will be washed clean... I KNOW that. But right now keep I coming face to face with more of my sin, doubt and nastiness. It's hard to see. I don't know how big this "field" is but I know it's gonna hurt.

Isn't it interesting that it's the internal sins... the ones that are more thought that are the most painful to uproot and be free of?

We've began working on an EP of songs. The more we write the more we're realizing it's all about this "season" of adoption... which could much more aptly be called the season of molding, reforming and breaking of old ways. We started writing one last night... here is a portion of it: 

In this moment words fall flat

Silence is the cure

'Be still' my only comfort

Waiting ... I'm still waiting

Lately I've seen more and more some parents tend to burst out in laughter when they hear a thought I have about children, parenting or anything near the subject. It know it's just that laugh of "oh I used to think like that.." or "just wait". This really didn't bother me until the last few months when my heart has gotten so raw that all I can feel is frustration. If I say something that is so off base that it makes you laugh explain it, don't just laugh and say "just wait". It may be all in fun but to my aching heart who has no timeline of when I will experience any of these things... it hurts.

I know this is not the most upbeat and happy post I have ever written. Right now I am processing a very emotional week though. A week of almost's, not quite's , extreme highs and lows and more and more questions.

Oh and if you could pray for us. We need direction. We need a path, even if it's only the next few steps. We need to know what to do about money (we still have a mountain to raise... or God does). Things are not hopeless. We have a hope in Christ.. We have a hope in his truth, his name. He is good all the time. He is our path, our way, our light. Even during this time of silence, confusion and extreme emotions our God is so faithful and has been with us every step. I will write more about that next week.



His mercies are new every morning!




be blessed!