Eyes Beginning to Open
Today is the end of day 5... 5 days of being a parent and 5 days of my heart going up and down and up and down. 5 days of prayer being my only time with God and those being short, quick prayers.. but they have been fulfilling none the less.
I love these girls. This isn't easy and it's not pretty and neat.. but I love them. I'm learning to let go of the perfection and rest in each moment. I'm learning to put away the work if my 16 year old wants to talk.. because I've been told that doesn't happen very often. I'm learning to choose love over trying to create life lessons, I've choosing to love and love hard instead of worrying so much about discipline or even structure at this point...
and it's working.
Sunday night I felt such a burden to pray for an open connection between us and A. She went with us to our last service at Liberty and was so patient but we really hadn't had a lot of interaction that day. Our pastor that morning at Catalyst had preached about how we can't just live a godly life and expect people to understand what Christ has done for them. If we don't use words they will never know... this really resonated with me.
That whole evening I prayed for her, for us and that God would create what HE wanted out of these 10 days and not what we wanted. I asked for opportunities to speak his name and the wisdom to know when I should.
We got in the car to go home and Steve was taking something into the building. Suddenly before I even realized what was happening she and I were deep in a discussion about church, faith, Jesus and her life. I was able to speak His name over and over while Steve drove us home and silently wept. We left that car hopeful and resting in the fact that Jesus is at work... even though we feel so small.
Last night my eyes were opened to a whole different aspect of her world though... the world of racism. I'm a spoiled, white girl who really hasn't had any encounters with racial profiling aside from experiences over seas... and those are nothing like what happens here.
My daughter decided to take her daughter for a walk last night. Some nights it's the only way for her to fall asleep. On the way back a neighbor stopped her and basically informed her this was private property and she needed to leave. The conversation escalated to the point that her husband came out and proceeded to curse out and threaten this sweet 16 year old for walking by their house.
A. was smart and came right home and got us and Steve took off to handle the situation... the comments that were made to him were so foul and so uncalled for I won't even bother repeating them but my heart was broken last night. I saw a whole different side of the American culture.. the ugly truth that racism is alive and well. I will need to prepare my children for that and make sure they are built up enough that when it happens they can return the evil with love.
Today has been a day of processing for me.. I'm not even completely sure how I feel yet. The reactions we've gotten being out in the community have been intense. I don't for one second care how anyone views me, what they think of me or what their opinion of what we should do in regards to a trans-racial family is. I love advice when asked for and I love talking about where God has lead us.. but I will not sit and tell someone I barely know all the juicy details of my children's past or respond to the nasty comments.
So I'm tired, my brain is tired and overwhelmed. I'm learning that love means feeding, clothing and caring for someone who may not utter one word of thanks.. but who deeply, deeply needs the love. I've learned that it also means praying for those that do evil towards my children and being willing to be the hands and feet of Jesus to them if called.
But for now.. I'm going to go cuddle on the couch and rest my tired, tired feet.
**please disregard any spelling or grammar errors... I'm seeing double!**
I love these girls. This isn't easy and it's not pretty and neat.. but I love them. I'm learning to let go of the perfection and rest in each moment. I'm learning to put away the work if my 16 year old wants to talk.. because I've been told that doesn't happen very often. I'm learning to choose love over trying to create life lessons, I've choosing to love and love hard instead of worrying so much about discipline or even structure at this point...
and it's working.
Sunday night I felt such a burden to pray for an open connection between us and A. She went with us to our last service at Liberty and was so patient but we really hadn't had a lot of interaction that day. Our pastor that morning at Catalyst had preached about how we can't just live a godly life and expect people to understand what Christ has done for them. If we don't use words they will never know... this really resonated with me.
That whole evening I prayed for her, for us and that God would create what HE wanted out of these 10 days and not what we wanted. I asked for opportunities to speak his name and the wisdom to know when I should.
We got in the car to go home and Steve was taking something into the building. Suddenly before I even realized what was happening she and I were deep in a discussion about church, faith, Jesus and her life. I was able to speak His name over and over while Steve drove us home and silently wept. We left that car hopeful and resting in the fact that Jesus is at work... even though we feel so small.
Last night my eyes were opened to a whole different aspect of her world though... the world of racism. I'm a spoiled, white girl who really hasn't had any encounters with racial profiling aside from experiences over seas... and those are nothing like what happens here.
My daughter decided to take her daughter for a walk last night. Some nights it's the only way for her to fall asleep. On the way back a neighbor stopped her and basically informed her this was private property and she needed to leave. The conversation escalated to the point that her husband came out and proceeded to curse out and threaten this sweet 16 year old for walking by their house.
A. was smart and came right home and got us and Steve took off to handle the situation... the comments that were made to him were so foul and so uncalled for I won't even bother repeating them but my heart was broken last night. I saw a whole different side of the American culture.. the ugly truth that racism is alive and well. I will need to prepare my children for that and make sure they are built up enough that when it happens they can return the evil with love.
Today has been a day of processing for me.. I'm not even completely sure how I feel yet. The reactions we've gotten being out in the community have been intense. I don't for one second care how anyone views me, what they think of me or what their opinion of what we should do in regards to a trans-racial family is. I love advice when asked for and I love talking about where God has lead us.. but I will not sit and tell someone I barely know all the juicy details of my children's past or respond to the nasty comments.
So I'm tired, my brain is tired and overwhelmed. I'm learning that love means feeding, clothing and caring for someone who may not utter one word of thanks.. but who deeply, deeply needs the love. I've learned that it also means praying for those that do evil towards my children and being willing to be the hands and feet of Jesus to them if called.
But for now.. I'm going to go cuddle on the couch and rest my tired, tired feet.
**please disregard any spelling or grammar errors... I'm seeing double!**
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