Waiting in Prayer

So a week from last Friday I wrote about my struggles with God and with waiting during this period. I really wrestled with putting that out there.  Sometimes when you work in ministry the tendency can be to share less rather than more.  I have been told in the past "keep things to yourself, you work in ministry."  Steve and I made a promise to ourselves 3 1/2 years ago though that we would be honest with ourselves and with others about what we struggle with.  Just because I'm on a stage or just because I work in ministry does NOT mean I have it all together... I struggle.  I argue with God as much as the next person.  I fail time and again.  I feel like I experienced a season of grace over the last month.  It was short and bittersweet... but so full of grace!

Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that God allows us to be angry with him?  That he allows us to yell and kick and scream and run as far as we can to "try" and get away from him?  I saw this in the past month because I was doing just that.  I was angry, I was pissed off honestly.  I'd look around and all I would see was what MY heart desired but what I didn't have.  I shut God out.  I turned my back on him but before I did pretty much screamed "I CAN DO THIS BETTER".  May as well have given him the bird... (I said I'd be honest).  Now if I had a child and they did that to me... you can be sure my response would not be anything near to what God's was.  But God is perfect, he is I AM.  He is the author of all... He stood by, let me shut him out but still stood right beside me... there were times I could even feel his presence before I huffed off to my little corner of despair again... geez I'm a stubborn cow sometimes!!!  Through all of those temper tantrums and ugliness God kept sending little reminders that his grace is sufficient, that he was there.


Finally one day I read this blog.  When I read it I saw my anger so perfectly in what she described.  I think I reached the pinnacle of all of that anger that day/night.  I yelled at God, I screamed, I cleaned my whole house in a vicious fury! But then a funny thing began to happen... I began to feel that wall thin and I could hear God again.  I didn't think much of it but as I continued my tirade I could hear him more and more... and we began to have a conversation.  Looking back I have realized something profound... It is ok to be angry with God... but it really cannot begin to be resolved until I tell him I'm angry with him.  As soon as I did that the dialogue began.  He was just waiting for me to begin.

So I didn't blog last week.  I was still working through things and I am still now but it's in a much better place.  I don't feel that burning anger I felt for that month.  I feel a peace that's growing each day.  On Friday Steve and I met for lunch and had a discussion about how we were raising money for the adoption.  We both agreed that we've been doing it entirely from our own mindset of "gotta raise it and fast!".  We've been doing all the things we've seen other families do without any questions to God about whether that is what he wants US to do.  So after some discussion we both agreed we needed to stop all fundraising at this point.  We decided to cancel the yard sale and to pray.  This week is a week of all electronic distractions turned off at home and we are both taking time through the day to pray. We are praying together and we would ask you to pray as well!  Please pray God moves, shows us how to proceed and provides the 14 thousand that we still need.  I believe more and more each day that it will come in his time and that YES it will come.  Totally a weird thing with me but I see the number 7 in our life over and over and I've seen that so much in this adoption... every time I see that I think of Christ.  I think of his promises and I think of what he's called us to.

So please join us in praying.  Please pray that a clear direction will be shown to us.  Please pray for continued peace and wisdom for Steve and I .  Please pray for our birth mama wherever she is and for our precious baby or babies wherever they may be!

Be blessed my friends!