sometimes you're outside looking in
Something I notice sometimes with where I am in life is there aren't a lot of people I know who are in the same stage of life... I mean I can't think of one person who is where we are right now... our age group, no kids, pursuing adoption etc... I mean please don't read this as whining... I'm not I'm being honest with how I feel. I am so blessed to have amazing people that I count as friends and family... amazing women who are so strong and I learn so much from them.... but I know there are times it's hard for them to relate to me. They're all mommies and have such different struggles than I do. I mean we all have the ones that are similar...marriage, life choices, future, dreams..... but there are days when my heart feels like it's been torn out and shredded over something to do with adoption that I wish I had that person nearby I could call and wouldn't have to say anything other than "I can't stop thinking about ...." and there would be no questions and no explanation needed... they would completely understand the gut-wrenching feeling of the unknown and hoping she will be ok... desperately praying to God to show you the way and knowing that this could end so badly.... well not badly but not how you dream it will.I know so much of that didn't make sense but I'm not going to try and explain it... not today anyways. We're praying for something... something we're sure is not going to happen and the very thought of that causes me to lose my breath while I sit here crying as a type... I wish I could explain more but at this point that it not possible.... I couldn't bear it.
Sometimes life doesn't make sense... sometimes it's really hard... really hard.... sometimes I feel like I cannot take on anyone else's pain... today I feel like that. I cannot take on anyone else's pain because I am currently lifting mine up to Jesus with all the strength I have left... It's not that I don't want to help but today I need to be the one lifting it up and praying...
There are some things I am sure of right now....
1. God is sovereign no matter what
2. Life hurts and when it does I need to remember number 1 and that he loves me.
3. He's never going to leave and so even when it hurts I'm not alone and it's ok to cry... he keeps track of that kind of stuff ... I've always loved that.
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