Brokenness Aside

Will your grace run out if I let you down?

I have felt lately that this has been my hearts ultimate cry.  That God's grace truly never runs out amazes me.  

The  last few weeks have been a whirlwind of stress, joy, pain, silence, confusion and waiting, waiting, waiting.  We are waiting on the Lord but sometimes that is SO confusing.  

Three weeks ago I got the privilege of helping with a ministry our college and young adults min. at church has begun.  It's called Living Out Loud and it's simply a ministry for women by women.  Well there's nothing simple about it really.  It has been one of the most challenging, stretching and painful experiences of my life.  It has also been one of the most amazing and rewarding.  Through the process of being in this ministry God has brought me low.. like LOW.  I have been reminded that my strength is nothing without him.  I have been reminded ministry will fail when he is not the center of it.  I have been reminded there is nothing in this that is MINE.  

The ministry meets on Tuesday nights and before we start the leaders always get together to pray.  Last night it was apparent Satan was on the warpath.  As the leaders came together it was like we were limping back from battle.  We were spiritually bloody and beaten.  We were broken down and worn out... Satan had been busy... but we were right where Jesus wanted us.. at his feet.  We knelt on that floor last night and cried out for God to be present and to work because we were worn out and bruised.  I'll always remember kneeling on that cement floor, my tears freely flowing as we released everything to him.  

God's been teaching me a lot lately about ownership of things, ie ministry, music... anything that gets recognition really.  It's so easy for pride to creep in and suddenly you're thinking "Look how much I've done."  "Look how they love me, need me."... well God is breaking that in a big, BIG way in me lately.  It's been painful but I welcome the pain.  I welcome the refinement because I can't and won't stay this girl.  I want to continue to become the woman he has created me to become.