So It Begins...
I am no stranger to shame... I'm a woman. It seems that as a woman it follows you... comes out when you least expect it and really just knows how to knock you back a few steps. Shame takes on many forms, but they all come down to the same thing: "Am I good enough?"
Ever since I entered that blessed age of hormones and mood swings I have dealt with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). The side effects are small to most but to people who have it are huge and sometimes shame inducing... one of them is you gain weight at the drop of a hat. Seriously you think about weight 5 pounds are added to your hips... ok not that bad but you get the picture. Women with PCOS have to be incredibly disciplined with their eating and exercising habits.
Everywhere you look you see am image of what a beautiful woman looks like, what she wears and how she acts. She is usually a size 4 or smaller, long hair, smiling and in nice clothes. This woman's skin is perfect and she seems to have never had a care in the world. This is the image we have set before us, the goal set up for us, when we are young. This is who we are told we should be.
Today I went to the gym and weighed in. I hadn't really done this in a long time... life, stress and general business had just kept me away. I felt that age old shame creep up and dig its claws in when I saw the numbers 1.9.2. ... I told myself there had to be a mistake. The machine is broken. I felt the shame dig in deeper and heard that little whisper of "you're not good enough", "you're ugly", "you should be ashamed of yourself".
Out of desperation I went to the store and bought a scale... I knew that once I got home it would all come out that it was just a big mistake... 1.9.2. No mistake, no lie. I leaned against the wall and just thought about it all. I thought about the strain of trying to learn to be a mom and work full time, the strain of leaving my job and jumping into parenting toddlers, the devastation of losing them and still moving forward, the holidays... the reasons kept flying by, the excuses kept flying by.
Suddenly I heard a different voice. I heard a small voice in my heart, felt it rather. I felt that I was loved. I felt that my pain was real, it was understood. I felt that my shame, the shame I have been and do carry was and is a lie. I am a child of the King. I am made in His image. I have allowed that image to be distorted.. but I'm still His child and I am loved. I have been so focused on what the world tells me is beautiful... but God's word puts it perfectly. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30.
I believe that my body is the temple of God. I believe that he created me in his image. I believe I have allowed pain, laziness and a lack of discipline to put me at a place physically he would not have for me.
So today I am saying I've had enough. I am not going to quietly and secretly allow shame to be the banner that I carry the rest of my life. I will not simply try to find ways to hide it or manipulate it so I feel better for the moment. I am a daughter of the King and will treat myself as such. This isn't a new years resolution... this is an awakening. It's time to be different and to be consistent. It's time to be healthy and not so I can be like the skinny chick on the tv... it's so I can be at my best for what he has next for us.
Who's with me??
Ever since I entered that blessed age of hormones and mood swings I have dealt with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). The side effects are small to most but to people who have it are huge and sometimes shame inducing... one of them is you gain weight at the drop of a hat. Seriously you think about weight 5 pounds are added to your hips... ok not that bad but you get the picture. Women with PCOS have to be incredibly disciplined with their eating and exercising habits.
Everywhere you look you see am image of what a beautiful woman looks like, what she wears and how she acts. She is usually a size 4 or smaller, long hair, smiling and in nice clothes. This woman's skin is perfect and she seems to have never had a care in the world. This is the image we have set before us, the goal set up for us, when we are young. This is who we are told we should be.
Today I went to the gym and weighed in. I hadn't really done this in a long time... life, stress and general business had just kept me away. I felt that age old shame creep up and dig its claws in when I saw the numbers 1.9.2. ... I told myself there had to be a mistake. The machine is broken. I felt the shame dig in deeper and heard that little whisper of "you're not good enough", "you're ugly", "you should be ashamed of yourself".
Out of desperation I went to the store and bought a scale... I knew that once I got home it would all come out that it was just a big mistake... 1.9.2. No mistake, no lie. I leaned against the wall and just thought about it all. I thought about the strain of trying to learn to be a mom and work full time, the strain of leaving my job and jumping into parenting toddlers, the devastation of losing them and still moving forward, the holidays... the reasons kept flying by, the excuses kept flying by.
Suddenly I heard a different voice. I heard a small voice in my heart, felt it rather. I felt that I was loved. I felt that my pain was real, it was understood. I felt that my shame, the shame I have been and do carry was and is a lie. I am a child of the King. I am made in His image. I have allowed that image to be distorted.. but I'm still His child and I am loved. I have been so focused on what the world tells me is beautiful... but God's word puts it perfectly. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30.
I believe that my body is the temple of God. I believe that he created me in his image. I believe I have allowed pain, laziness and a lack of discipline to put me at a place physically he would not have for me.
So today I am saying I've had enough. I am not going to quietly and secretly allow shame to be the banner that I carry the rest of my life. I will not simply try to find ways to hide it or manipulate it so I feel better for the moment. I am a daughter of the King and will treat myself as such. This isn't a new years resolution... this is an awakening. It's time to be different and to be consistent. It's time to be healthy and not so I can be like the skinny chick on the tv... it's so I can be at my best for what he has next for us.
Who's with me??
Comments
You're His daughter, which makes you my sister! I'm proud to have you as my sister! :)