Chiming In
So, it's been a long time since I posted anything on here. Katie, my sweet wife, has been threatening gently nudging me to say something about what's been going on. I figured I would talk about the journey God brought us on from my perspective.
As Katie mentioned, when we said goodbye to our girls, life seemed to stop completely. I mean, we were busy running around trying to keep ourselves occupied, but to say our hearts were broken would be a massive understatement. Words cannot describe the depth of the pain we felt.
I remember at the time swearing to God that I would never put my family in a position for that much pain again. I also remember discussing foster care with Katie, and me, rather jerk-ishly I'm sure, telling her I would NEVER do that.
Side note...
God has a sense of humor. If I've learned anything as of late, never tell God you will NEVER do something. He might just make you eat those words so you can remember who is really in charge. We can pretend that we are the masters of our own universes, but when it all boils down to it, we only have breath because it was first given to us.
End side note...
So, in the months that came, I became withdrawn and absent. I can be incredibly calm and even tempered, but I don't handle change and loss to well. It's easier to shut down the emotions and forget about them. The downside is that shutting down one set of emotions usually means you shut them all down.
I quietly dealt internally with my loss but neglected the only one who actually knew what it was like to have gone through that pain...my wife. It took me a while to even be able to receive that. Thankfully, grace is something that never runs out, and we were finally able to process the loss of the twins together. We miss them still, but it isn't crippling like it used to be.
As I just mentioned, grace is a gift that keeps on giving. Over time, God in His mercy opened my eyes to how selfish I had become. Who was I to tell kids sitting in foster care waiting for a home (even if only temporarily) that they couldn't find rest with us? God showed me how these kids are the modern day orphans. He also showed me that if I didn't love them, then my love for him would be incomplete. I couldn't love Jesus correctly if I didn't first open up my heart to love the fatherless.
It wasn't a fast transition, but it was very distinct. I remember letting go of all of my "nevers" and being awakened by a joy that released me from my fears. And for the first time, I led my family into a decision. We were gonna be foster parents, even if our kids would only be with us for a short time.
This past Easter, God began stirring my heart. I began to feel the nudge that our time at Liberty was drawing to a close. Naturally, I fought it at first.
"God, how will I provide for my family? Liberty helps with our needs."
"Haven't I always provided? Am I not faithful?"
"Yes, God, but our whole life is here."
"When all else passes away, I am."
I had many conversations with God that went like that. Each one whittled away more of my excuses, more of my reasons. Eventually, the only choice I had left was obedience.
We started searching for where the Lord could be leading us. Right after we started the search, we saw a friend of ours at a church we visited. I told him what the Lord was doing. Turns out, he was also being led out. He asked me out to lunch a week later and told me about the Lord's vision for his church. I remember walking away at the time thinking, "Eh, it's good, but it's not right." The truth was, that I wasn't ready for it. God still had some more walls to knock down.
Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago...
My friend, Jeff Mingee, texted me and asked if I knew of any worship leaders. It was getting close to crunch time for them, and they still hadn't found someone. I casually replied back that I'd keep my ear out and offered to lead worship for him every now and then when I was free.
I told Katie about it and she, being the wise woman she is, said, "We ought to check them out again." So, we went to the website, stalked some folks, checked out Facebook and we began to dream.
I called up Jeff (ok, I first texted him like a wimp) and asked if we could set a time to talk more about Catalyst. We met at Moes and I think I had figured it would be about an hour long meeting. We left two hours later with my mind clearly made. Lord, this is where you want us to be.
We were supposed to go on vacation to Nags Head, NC on Tuesday after I left work. Well, Catalyst had a vision meeting that Tuesday at 6:30, squarely when we'd be on the road (not that it's a long trip). Katie and I talked about it, and we decided we needed to be there.
To say that we instantly felt at home would have been an understatement. We walked in to that meeting and knew it was home.
At about 10 that night, while we were driving to Nags Head after leaving, we got the call. Steve, we'd love for you and Katie to come on board.
Joy. Excitement. Fear (the good kind). Maybe even a few tears.
Catalyst needed someone familiar with the setup/tear down, training of A/V folks, and who could build and lead a band. Liberty had provided all the training and experience I could have ever needed. For years I helped out with the Genesis services at Liberty. I was intimately involved to the point where I acted as the "boss-man" when our leader was out. Eventually Liberty hired me on to lead worship and do whatever was needed.
I will always be grateful for the time that the Lord gave us at Liberty. Without it, we would't have been ready for what we're about to get into (as ready as we can be at least). But now, the Lord has called, and we cannot delay.
Please pray for us on our new journeys, both with foster/adoption and our new role at Catalyst.
First, regarding adoption/foster care/and everything in between...
As Katie mentioned, when we said goodbye to our girls, life seemed to stop completely. I mean, we were busy running around trying to keep ourselves occupied, but to say our hearts were broken would be a massive understatement. Words cannot describe the depth of the pain we felt.
I remember at the time swearing to God that I would never put my family in a position for that much pain again. I also remember discussing foster care with Katie, and me, rather jerk-ishly I'm sure, telling her I would NEVER do that.
Side note...
God has a sense of humor. If I've learned anything as of late, never tell God you will NEVER do something. He might just make you eat those words so you can remember who is really in charge. We can pretend that we are the masters of our own universes, but when it all boils down to it, we only have breath because it was first given to us.
End side note...
So, in the months that came, I became withdrawn and absent. I can be incredibly calm and even tempered, but I don't handle change and loss to well. It's easier to shut down the emotions and forget about them. The downside is that shutting down one set of emotions usually means you shut them all down.
I quietly dealt internally with my loss but neglected the only one who actually knew what it was like to have gone through that pain...my wife. It took me a while to even be able to receive that. Thankfully, grace is something that never runs out, and we were finally able to process the loss of the twins together. We miss them still, but it isn't crippling like it used to be.
As I just mentioned, grace is a gift that keeps on giving. Over time, God in His mercy opened my eyes to how selfish I had become. Who was I to tell kids sitting in foster care waiting for a home (even if only temporarily) that they couldn't find rest with us? God showed me how these kids are the modern day orphans. He also showed me that if I didn't love them, then my love for him would be incomplete. I couldn't love Jesus correctly if I didn't first open up my heart to love the fatherless.
It wasn't a fast transition, but it was very distinct. I remember letting go of all of my "nevers" and being awakened by a joy that released me from my fears. And for the first time, I led my family into a decision. We were gonna be foster parents, even if our kids would only be with us for a short time.
Regarding leaving Catalyst, Liberty, and the future...
This past Easter, God began stirring my heart. I began to feel the nudge that our time at Liberty was drawing to a close. Naturally, I fought it at first.
"God, how will I provide for my family? Liberty helps with our needs."
"Haven't I always provided? Am I not faithful?"
"Yes, God, but our whole life is here."
"When all else passes away, I am."
I had many conversations with God that went like that. Each one whittled away more of my excuses, more of my reasons. Eventually, the only choice I had left was obedience.
We started searching for where the Lord could be leading us. Right after we started the search, we saw a friend of ours at a church we visited. I told him what the Lord was doing. Turns out, he was also being led out. He asked me out to lunch a week later and told me about the Lord's vision for his church. I remember walking away at the time thinking, "Eh, it's good, but it's not right." The truth was, that I wasn't ready for it. God still had some more walls to knock down.
Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago...
My friend, Jeff Mingee, texted me and asked if I knew of any worship leaders. It was getting close to crunch time for them, and they still hadn't found someone. I casually replied back that I'd keep my ear out and offered to lead worship for him every now and then when I was free.
I told Katie about it and she, being the wise woman she is, said, "We ought to check them out again." So, we went to the website, stalked some folks, checked out Facebook and we began to dream.
I called up Jeff (ok, I first texted him like a wimp) and asked if we could set a time to talk more about Catalyst. We met at Moes and I think I had figured it would be about an hour long meeting. We left two hours later with my mind clearly made. Lord, this is where you want us to be.
We were supposed to go on vacation to Nags Head, NC on Tuesday after I left work. Well, Catalyst had a vision meeting that Tuesday at 6:30, squarely when we'd be on the road (not that it's a long trip). Katie and I talked about it, and we decided we needed to be there.
To say that we instantly felt at home would have been an understatement. We walked in to that meeting and knew it was home.
At about 10 that night, while we were driving to Nags Head after leaving, we got the call. Steve, we'd love for you and Katie to come on board.
Joy. Excitement. Fear (the good kind). Maybe even a few tears.
Catalyst needed someone familiar with the setup/tear down, training of A/V folks, and who could build and lead a band. Liberty had provided all the training and experience I could have ever needed. For years I helped out with the Genesis services at Liberty. I was intimately involved to the point where I acted as the "boss-man" when our leader was out. Eventually Liberty hired me on to lead worship and do whatever was needed.
I will always be grateful for the time that the Lord gave us at Liberty. Without it, we would't have been ready for what we're about to get into (as ready as we can be at least). But now, the Lord has called, and we cannot delay.
Please pray for us on our new journeys, both with foster/adoption and our new role at Catalyst.
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